His strength, not mine...

From the moment I got out of bed this morning, I knew that today wasn't gonna be one of my better days - physically speaking.  There are different factors at play.  It can be a shift in hormones...a few nights of bad sleep...or just the wrong choice in dinner the night before.  

I got dressed, tied my hair back, and set out on my morning walk.  I felt weak.  Every step hurt.  My body was calling for rest, but I was determined not to be defeated today.  

This is one of those times when I maybe should have remembered goal number 2 from my previous post... ;-)  I don't know how to explain it...but something in me needed to fight through it today.  So I just turned the music up louder and prayed.  

My entire life, there have been physical limitations in the way of my plans.  My goals..  My dreams..  As a younger person, I was often overlooked or rejected for being less than ideal, physically.  But God, who looks at the heart, saw beyond all of that.  And eventually, He gave me a husband who sees beauty differently than the world does.  In time, I grew to receive the life I had been given with an abundantly grateful heart, even in the midst of health struggles and infertility.  And God has used the pain of those very limitations to refine my character, and to draw my heart closer to His.  

But then...Lyddie happened.  And it stirred a whole new battle in my spirit...not to want to be "that mom" who's never feeling well enough to fully share life with her.  I remember when my mom was diagnosed with Rheumatoid Arthritis...fighting in prayer for her and and taking her to doctor's appointments to try every possible treatment (conventional and otherwise) to help her get better.  Was healing too difficult for God?  Certainly not.  But God said "no"...and so for the last many years of mom's life, I pushed her in a wheelchair.  And God was good and beautiful things came from all of that that I wouldn't have traded for a healthy mom, but it's not what I want for my Lyddie.  

I thought about the verses in 2 Corinthians 12, where Paul talks about the thorn in his flesh.  We don't know much about it, but it was some sort of a physical infirmity that God allowed Satan to cause in Paul's life.  Kinda crazy... But God used that limitation to produce spiritual fruit - so that His strength would be more evident in Paul's weakness.  "My grace is all you need.  My power works best in weakness."  

There's nothing wrong with fighting for my health...with wanting to be a healthy wife and mom and to have the strength to serve in the ways that God has gifted me.  But I'm finding, 3 days into this Conquerors challenge, that it's exposing a lot of "weakness".  Not just physical weakness - at this point in my life it's not about looking a certain way or living up to some "ideal" image.  Far from it... Physical weaknesses are often just a tool that God uses to get our attention - to reveal something about our hearts that He wants to refine.  So, for me, this challenge is about being willing to fight for something that I think is important, while accepting the results that God gives.  I desire healing and renewed strength.  But I also need to be prepared to accept that God's ways are higher than mine, and He might have eternal fruit to be produced by continued struggle.  

And if Lydia grows up seeing His strength shine through her less than perfect mom, then that's a beautiful thing.  

More than CONQUERORS CHALLENGE

Today marks the beginning of a new challenge!

Elizabeth (and her daddy) are heading up a month-long fundraiser for an organization that we dearly love - Minnesota Adult and Teen Challenge, Rochester.  They've been spending the last week or so bringing awareness and building support.  We've been blessed to team-up with Paula Ellefson as well (Recovery Chaplain from the Rochester Women's Center) and I just wanna say that her enthusiasm for this challenge is priceless.

These are tough times for fundraising, and the battle against addiction rages on.  While most fundraisers involve limited sacrifice, Elizabeth and Mike dreamed up something a little bigger.  Rather than a single walk/run event, this challenge requires a month-long commitment from its participants.  Which is fitting, right??  Because recovery is a commitment.  It's a journey in which you must wake up and put on your spiritual armor every. single. day.  

Admittedly, I've watched as team members revealed their lofty personal goals, and I was feeling more than a little inadequate.  Recently, I've been fighting my way out of a personal low point in my health - stepping away from social media to give priority to my own journey of healing and restoration.  But as I prayed about and considered my own goals, it struck me that for many people - when they enter treatment - they're starting from one of the lowest points of their lives.  They're feeling crushed and defeated beneath the weight of their addiction...and that is the starting point from which they step out in faith and pray that God can do far more than they ever imagined.

So, it is with these realities in mind that I declare my personal goals for this CHALLENGE month:

1.)  Walk at least ONE MILE EVERY SINGLE DAY outdoors (regardless of heat, humidity, storms, or personal health challenges).  This might not seem like much...but for me?  This alone is a test of faith.  Coming out of a bad colitis flare earlier this year, I know that I can have setbacks at any time.  But I also know that recovery is all about consistency.  You can't afford days off.  And so, it's my goal to get that mile in every day.

2.)  On days when I feel good, I wanna walk my heart out...  But my second commitment is to PACE MYSELF.  I have a history of tendinitis in my feet, and every time I set out to walk for fitness, I end up injuring myself.  ;-) So, I can see my husband's face in my mind's eye as I remind myself to "find a pace I can maintain".  Mine is a challenge of faithfulness each day - not individual mileage achievements.

3.)  I want to partner with our Teen Challenge family not just through the miles that I walk, but by carrying them in my heart each day with a mindset of worship, prayer, fasting and intentional living that models TRUE FREEDOM in Christ. 

We are so excited to see what God does in this month of July!  Let's DO this!!! ♥

#MoreThanConquerorsChallenge
#MNTCMoreThanConquerors

gods at war

I wanted to be sure to mention this book

which snapped me out of my "comfort zone" spiritually and challenged me to examine my priorities (to be sure that they're in line with God's priorities).  There is something in the zeal and passion of youth that can sometimes get lost with age.  So many people grow comfortable...  

In their social group (surrounded by other people just like them).  

In their faith - (American "cultural Christianity")  

In their finances - (when was the last time you gave till it hurt?)  

In their routine - (are we willing to step out in faith and take risks?)  

This book offers so much insight for so many specific struggles - from control to overeating to money to sex... I wouldn't be able to do justice in a single post, but here are just a couple of quotes:

"Idolatry isn’t just one of many sins; rather it’s the one great sin that all others come from. So if you start scratching at whatever struggle you’re dealing with, eventually you’ll find that underneath it is a false god. Until that god is dethroned, and the Lord God takes his rightful place, you will not have victory."

“You think what you have is a [name of idol here: lust, pride, control, anger, etc] problem, but what you really have is a worship problem. The question you have to answer each day is, 'Will I worship God or will I worship ______?'”

This one hit home for me:

“A very large part of mankind’s ills and of the world’s misery is due to the rampant practice of trying to feed the soul with the body’s food.” - Frank Ferrell 

And the most often repeated quote in the book:

"Idols are defeated not by being removed but by being replaced."

The point here is that it's insufficient to merely acknowledge our idols intellectually.  A book like this is not one that you read and then carry on with life as usual.  It's a journey.  A process of identifying idols of the heart and surrendering them.  Then, as we submit our hearts before the Lord, He will begin to transform our desires by the power of His Spirit - making us more like Jesus.

So, if you decide to read this book, prepare yourself for a spiritual adventure.  When we truly have a hunger for personal growth...  When we want to really rise up and begin to conquer idols and destructive habits...  We better be ready for the fight of our lives.  Cause as soon as you peel away those counterfeit comforts?  A whole lotta painful, uncomfortable, undesirable feelings work their way to the surface.  It can be unresolved pain...  Or it can be sinful desires that you haven't had to deal with in a long time... The flesh is fighting for the comfort it craves because you stripped away its favorite idols.  The journey is not for the faint of heart.  It takes a lot of prayer and commitment to stay in the battle.  But it's worth it.  ♥  

When I taste Your goodness, I shall not want...

There were a number of factors that brought me to a place of surrender... To a place of really knowing that it was time to do some serious work on my heart.  I've been studying emotional healing and Biblical Counseling for some time now and the obvious conclusion is that these studies should benefit me.  Should change me.  If I am to impart grace and healing into anyone else's life, those virtues should be evident in my own life first.  I've been feeling compelled in my spirit for awhile, but I've had so many excuses.  (Chasing a toddler every day... exhaustion... running around for basketball games... a bad colitis flare...etc.)  But when coronavirus came around, life slowed down dramatically and my excuses began to fade away.  

Mike has coached softball for Minnesota Adult and Teen Challenge each summer.  Interestingly, this would have been our seventh summer.  When it became clear that softball wasn't gonna happen this year, we were pretty disappointed.  Hard to imagine a summer without our treasured nights at the field, and all the fellowship and relationships that come with sports ministry.... But then Mike said something interesting: "Maybe God is going to give us a Sabbath season".  Those words resonated deeply with me.  In the age of grace, Sabbath is not required of us: it is a gift.  And, in this fast-paced world, when God "ordains" a Sabbath?  It's probably a good idea to slow down and make the most of that gift.  

I've been doing a lot of writing, but I haven't been posting much of it to the blog thus far.  That's probably because life has taught me that the first days of a new journey are an emotional roller coaster.  My feelings and perspectives and priorities and goals can seem to change by the hour.  But, as the distractions are stripped away, my defenses are broken down, and my heart is laid bare before the Father, my true spiritual needs in this season will begin to become more clear.  The crazy thing is that the distinction between what I "thought" I needed and what I "actually" need is still kind of murky, so I'm continuing to sort through all of that.  

My emotional freedom course this week is focused on what we often refer to as "willpower".  This is our "inner authority" or our "self-discipline" - a virtue I deeply desire to harness in my life.  In the course, we're discussing how our ability to govern ourselves is inseparably linked to how we related to authority as a child.  As I make my way through the lesson, it's definitely bringing my own internal conflicts to light.  Because of my unique circumstances as a late-in-life child, I bounced around between my folks and my 3 older siblings who all had very different values and expectations of me.  It's no exaggeration to say I was a walking "identity crisis" as a young person...with a desire to please many people and a perception that I never truly pleased anyone.  Eventually, rebellion began to take root in my heart.  To this day, in spite of the fact that I genuinely want to do what is right, I wrestle a lot with rules and authority.  I found myself hitting the wall a bit - struggling with this idea that the authority issues of my youth might be unconsciously sabotaging my growth and progress.  And then a song came to mind that I used to listen to a lot.  

I began to play it and to just really meditate on the words.  Psychology can offer helpful insight for our lives and our healing - but our true Source is a person, and His name is Jesus.  Through His spirit, He is faithful to provide ALL that I need for healing and growth.  "When I taste Your goodness I shall not want..."  

Emotional Freedom Techniques

I remember when blogging was "a thing"...  All my friends did it.  You had to have a family blog.  (And a business blog.  And a ministry blog...)  And then social media came along and devoured blogs.  I'm taking a step back in time - setting aside social media for awhile... I feel like a stranger in this world I once frequented.  This morning, I visited a few of the abandoned blogs I used to follow and found families frozen in time...it was weird.

I don't have time for all the fancy stuff I used to do...all the photo editing and graphic design.  But, many years ago, I purchased the web domain for my own name - with dreams of using it for my writing one day.  I thought I may as well put the space to use during my sabbath from social media.  

I also took this opportunity to enroll in a 6 week e-course on EFT (Emotional Freedom Techniques) - an alternative therapy technique that I've been studying on and off for a few years now.  Near the end of my pregnancy with Lyddie, I was having a lot of lower back pain.  My visits to the chiropractor weren't helping anymore, and he recommended acupuncture.  It was one of those times when I was sorta willing to try anything.  I found an amazing therapist in Northfield, and began weekly treatments.  Not only did it provide much-needed relief from my back pain, but it was an unexpected emotional journey as well.  It's difficult to fully describe unless you've experienced it for yourself - but I've since heard others who are typically not really "emotional" or "spiritual" people say the same thing.  A lot of emotions surfaced during my acupuncture sessions, and afterwards, I felt a sense of deep relaxation. Tranquility. Peace.  

So, I was fascinated when I began to study EFT, because it's based on some of the same scientific principles as acupuncture or acupressure.  It came highly recommended by a few doctors that I respect, including my own trusted physician.  It's taken some time for me to sort of sort through my own beliefs about the appropriate application of the technique, from a Christ-centered perspective.  But I have no doubt that it is a powerful resource, and my favorite thing about it is that - with a bit of training - anyone can do it for themselves.  It doesn't require ongoing appointments, there's no significant financial investment...  It's just a simple discipline that, if practiced consistently, can enhance emotional healing and spiritual freedom.  

This offers a little bit of background information when I mention EFT or "tapping" in my journal entries. 

Day One

It's day one...  Day one of a journey that doesn't have a name or a destination.  But it's a journey I was born to do.  If I'm honest, my heart and my attitude aren't fully on board just yet...  But my spirit is being called to surrender.  To strip away distractions and idols in my life that are holding me in bondage when I was born to be free.

I've always been deeply aware of my shortcomings - I'm my own harshest critic.  But, life is about progress - not perfection.  And I have a long standing commitment to myself to get "better with age".  To pursue growth and never stop learning. 

Mike had a 4 day weekend, and he and Lyddie enjoyed morning adventures together.  Lyddie woke up this morning in anticipation of a new day.  She ran to her daddy, "Let's go on a walk!"  He explained that daddy had to work today, so no walk this morning.  So, she ran to me, "Mommy I want french fries!!"  My heart sank as I processed the reality that Lyddie associates quality time with her daddy with physical activity.  And she associates quality time with her mommy with food.  Of course she and I do many things together each day, but I know all too well that our idols are easily passed onto our children.  So, I'm making some health and fitness goals.  Taking a break from social media.  Focusing on healing.  Worship.  Discipline.  Growth. 

Mike and I had a lunch date yesterday.. I explained my plans to him - not because I really want to discuss them with anyone, but because my decisions will affect the whole family.  Warmly, he looked at me and affirmed that he loves me and is proud of me - whether I succeed or not.  His expression of support brought tears to my eyes.  Lord knows we've had similar conversations before.  He knows my failures better than anyone.  I am humbled.  Broken.  Praying that this time will be different.  I'm overwhelmed.  For reasons I may explain further along the way, the mountain in front of me seems insurmountable.  But I know that God is faithful, and the climb is worth it.  

As we settled in for the night, Mike invited me to rest my head on his chest.  I lay silently, my spirit heavy beneath the weight of my own expectations.  His fingertips gently graze over my skin, and I listen to his heartbeat.  I feel more relaxed than I have in weeks.  I am at peace.  (It feels like the calm before a storm.  But God's got this...)