It's day one... Day one of a journey that doesn't have a name or a destination. But it's a journey I was born to do. If I'm honest, my heart and my attitude aren't fully on board just yet... But my spirit is being called to surrender. To strip away distractions and idols in my life that are holding me in bondage when I was born to be free.
I've always been deeply aware of my shortcomings - I'm my own harshest critic. But, life is about progress - not perfection. And I have a long standing commitment to myself to get "better with age". To pursue growth and never stop learning.
Mike had a 4 day weekend, and he and Lyddie enjoyed morning adventures together. Lyddie woke up this morning in anticipation of a new day. She ran to her daddy, "Let's go on a walk!" He explained that daddy had to work today, so no walk this morning. So, she ran to me, "Mommy I want french fries!!" My heart sank as I processed the reality that Lyddie associates quality time with her daddy with physical activity. And she associates quality time with her mommy with food. Of course she and I do many things together each day, but I know all too well that our idols are easily passed onto our children. So, I'm making some health and fitness goals. Taking a break from social media. Focusing on healing. Worship. Discipline. Growth.
Mike and I had a lunch date yesterday.. I explained my plans to him - not because I really want to discuss them with anyone, but because my decisions will affect the whole family. Warmly, he looked at me and affirmed that he loves me and is proud of me - whether I succeed or not. His expression of support brought tears to my eyes. Lord knows we've had similar conversations before. He knows my failures better than anyone. I am humbled. Broken. Praying that this time will be different. I'm overwhelmed. For reasons I may explain further along the way, the mountain in front of me seems insurmountable. But I know that God is faithful, and the climb is worth it.
As we settled in for the night, Mike invited me to rest my head on his chest. I lay silently, my spirit heavy beneath the weight of my own expectations. His fingertips gently graze over my skin, and I listen to his heartbeat. I feel more relaxed than I have in weeks. I am at peace. (It feels like the calm before a storm. But God's got this...)
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