From the moment I got out of bed this morning, I knew that today wasn't gonna be one of my better days - physically speaking. There are different factors at play. It can be a shift in hormones...a few nights of bad sleep...or just the wrong choice in dinner the night before.
I got dressed, tied my hair back, and set out on my morning walk. I felt weak. Every step hurt. My body was calling for rest, but I was determined not to be defeated today.
This is one of those times when I maybe should have remembered goal number 2 from my previous post... ;-) I don't know how to explain it...but something in me needed to fight through it today. So I just turned the music up louder and prayed.
My entire life, there have been physical limitations in the way of my plans. My goals.. My dreams.. As a younger person, I was often overlooked or rejected for being less than ideal, physically. But God, who looks at the heart, saw beyond all of that. And eventually, He gave me a husband who sees beauty differently than the world does. In time, I grew to receive the life I had been given with an abundantly grateful heart, even in the midst of health struggles and infertility. And God has used the pain of those very limitations to refine my character, and to draw my heart closer to His.
But then...Lyddie happened. And it stirred a whole new battle in my spirit...not to want to be "that mom" who's never feeling well enough to fully share life with her. I remember when my mom was diagnosed with Rheumatoid Arthritis...fighting in prayer for her and and taking her to doctor's appointments to try every possible treatment (conventional and otherwise) to help her get better. Was healing too difficult for God? Certainly not. But God said "no"...and so for the last many years of mom's life, I pushed her in a wheelchair. And God was good and beautiful things came from all of that that I wouldn't have traded for a healthy mom, but it's not what I want for my Lyddie.
I thought about the verses in 2 Corinthians 12, where Paul talks about the thorn in his flesh. We don't know much about it, but it was some sort of a physical infirmity that God allowed Satan to cause in Paul's life. Kinda crazy... But God used that limitation to produce spiritual fruit - so that His strength would be more evident in Paul's weakness. "My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness."
There's nothing wrong with fighting for my health...with wanting to be a healthy wife and mom and to have the strength to serve in the ways that God has gifted me. But I'm finding, 3 days into this Conquerors challenge, that it's exposing a lot of "weakness". Not just physical weakness - at this point in my life it's not about looking a certain way or living up to some "ideal" image. Far from it... Physical weaknesses are often just a tool that God uses to get our attention - to reveal something about our hearts that He wants to refine. So, for me, this challenge is about being willing to fight for something that I think is important, while accepting the results that God gives. I desire healing and renewed strength. But I also need to be prepared to accept that God's ways are higher than mine, and He might have eternal fruit to be produced by continued struggle.
And if Lydia grows up seeing His strength shine through her less than perfect mom, then that's a beautiful thing.
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