There were a number of factors that brought me to a place of surrender... To a place of really knowing that it was time to do some serious work on my heart. I've been studying emotional healing and Biblical Counseling for some time now and the obvious conclusion is that these studies should benefit me. Should change me. If I am to impart grace and healing into anyone else's life, those virtues should be evident in my own life first. I've been feeling compelled in my spirit for awhile, but I've had so many excuses. (Chasing a toddler every day... exhaustion... running around for basketball games... a bad colitis flare...etc.) But when coronavirus came around, life slowed down dramatically and my excuses began to fade away.
Mike has coached softball for Minnesota Adult and Teen Challenge each summer. Interestingly, this would have been our seventh summer. When it became clear that softball wasn't gonna happen this year, we were pretty disappointed. Hard to imagine a summer without our treasured nights at the field, and all the fellowship and relationships that come with sports ministry.... But then Mike said something interesting: "Maybe God is going to give us a Sabbath season". Those words resonated deeply with me. In the age of grace, Sabbath is not required of us: it is a gift. And, in this fast-paced world, when God "ordains" a Sabbath? It's probably a good idea to slow down and make the most of that gift.
I've been doing a lot of writing, but I haven't been posting much of it to the blog thus far. That's probably because life has taught me that the first days of a new journey are an emotional roller coaster. My feelings and perspectives and priorities and goals can seem to change by the hour. But, as the distractions are stripped away, my defenses are broken down, and my heart is laid bare before the Father, my true spiritual needs in this season will begin to become more clear. The crazy thing is that the distinction between what I "thought" I needed and what I "actually" need is still kind of murky, so I'm continuing to sort through all of that.
My emotional freedom course this week is focused on what we often refer to as "willpower". This is our "inner authority" or our "self-discipline" - a virtue I deeply desire to harness in my life. In the course, we're discussing how our ability to govern ourselves is inseparably linked to how we related to authority as a child. As I make my way through the lesson, it's definitely bringing my own internal conflicts to light. Because of my unique circumstances as a late-in-life child, I bounced around between my folks and my 3 older siblings who all had very different values and expectations of me. It's no exaggeration to say I was a walking "identity crisis" as a young person...with a desire to please many people and a perception that I never truly pleased anyone. Eventually, rebellion began to take root in my heart. To this day, in spite of the fact that I genuinely want to do what is right, I wrestle a lot with rules and authority. I found myself hitting the wall a bit - struggling with this idea that the authority issues of my youth might be unconsciously sabotaging my growth and progress. And then a song came to mind that I used to listen to a lot.
I began to play it and to just really meditate on the words. Psychology can offer helpful insight for our lives and our healing - but our true Source is a person, and His name is Jesus. Through His spirit, He is faithful to provide ALL that I need for healing and growth. "When I taste Your goodness I shall not want..."
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